Three Weeks

...is how long ago I posted. In said post, I aired my grievances about my disgust with the direction my life was heading, listing all the weight I felt upon me and noting how change did not seem imminent.

My how quickly things change.

Really, even before this post it started getting better, but almost point for point things have changed.

I won't get out of the house any time soon, and I'll just have to come to terms with that. I nearly did, but a job opportunity fell through. Oh well. This is cheaper, if less desirable.
My education will get finished. It isn't quite what I dreamed it would be, but it will suffice. A doctorate is a marathon anyway, not a sprint. Every dollar saved will help. I spoke with my mother as well, and we're going to do whatever it takes to pay for school. Financial aid is still a pain, but luckily we're talking $1800 and not $10,000.

The best part, though, is the employment situation. I believe it was around the time of the last post that I was snubbed from a temp job in a crap factory for half the wage I should make. I was basically told that there was a position for me and that within 10 days I would get contacted for an interview on site. 11 days later, I call, no such position exists. I got very discouraged by this, and the job search went on hiatus for a bit. After all, this was after 8 straight months of failure with regards to finding employment.

My friend Clay told me the Best Buy he works at was hiring, so that night/early the next morning I put in an application as a "what do I have to lose" move. 9 hours later, I schedule a job interview set for 5:30 pm Monday afternoon. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but just getting the interview is one of the best things thats happened to me in months. I know from experience that the only thing that can screw up getting a job from an interview is me, and I won't make the same mistake again.

It really has been an incredible shift in disposition in a relatively short amount of time. I think a combination of just getting the weight off my shoulders via blog post, and talking to people (here's lookin' at you, Brian) has helped more than I thought it would. A little luck never hurt, either.

Also,


Here's to more improvement.

I Hate Rock 'n' Roll

Its been a while since I've posted. Thats OK, no readers means no responsiblity.

Often I wonder if it is possible to be truly happy, or if I am destined to always want more as a human being. Perhaps it is simply a negative disposition that keeps me down. I don't believe I have it bad, I'm not struggling to get by or anything, but I concentrate on the negative and I think its at the expense of the positive. Life, to me, is a series of misfortunes intermittently interrupted by positive experiences.

I have some issues with my life right now.
I am disgruntled with my living situation. I live in a house of 5 where I've felt I don't belong for a year and a half. Due to injuries and illness I do a decent amount of housekeeping in a place I don't want to live in. I feel crowded, and I'm ready to get out.
My father is sick, and a lot of times I don't feel like I get the whole story told to me. I feel disrespected.
I'm not where I want to be at this point in my education. I've completed 26 hours at Greenville Tech, and this time last year I never considered attending there. Now, it looks like I'm going to finish up my associate's degree there over the next year - provided I can come up with $1870 to pay for the past semester. If not, I'm screwed. No school, no insurance.
I've been trying to get a job for months, but I can't get anything to work. I think I may have finally found something, making a fairly meager amount of money working in a warehouse. It will still be at least a week from posting until I can even start.
I feel very distant from everyone I know. I have a ton of things on my mind and nobody I feel I can unload them on. Never have. I'm not sure if I know how to get close to people.
The worst part is, I feel like I have no control over this. I don't know if I'll be able to move out, I don't know if I'll be able to pay for school, I don't know if I'll find a job. Whether or not I'm actually in control, I feel helpless and that leads to inaction with me.

The question I have is whether or not I'm justified feeling like something should work out for me, and if I'm justified taking my life's events personally.

The Shawshank Redemption

What an amazing movie. My personal favorite, if you didn't know. It is a wonderful tale of walls, hope, hardship, and, well, redemption. And, in my own way, I can relate.

The Shawshank Redemption is a movie about being imprisoned, about being walled in and trapped. This is an accurate way to describe how I feel, currently. There is no physical force keeping me down, however it feels as if my life is contained and I am trapped here. There are walls all around me; however, I have a door I am free to go through at any time. I leave the confines of my house, but that is not my actual prison. I believe it is this area-these towns-that is my prison, and my walls are mental.

I have lived here most of my life. I have spent a lot of time in the past few years in Greenville. I do not dislike this place; rather, I find a lot to enjoy about it. I know there is so much more to the world though, and I haven't seen anything of it. My prison is the inability to do just that. I've never been far from home, I've rarely been off on my own, and even then never unbridled and free. I want to see this and so many other countries, meet so many people, explore places, do things, all that I am unable to do. And in that way, I am trapped here.

I've spent all my life here. Most of the more recent years- my late teenage/early adult years- have been far less than pleasant, and many things have happened that I would choose to forget if I could. I want to find my Zihuatanejo, my own place with no memory. I want to spend a week, or a month, or a year there. I want to escape for a while, and return a different person. A better person, hopefully, but a more experienced one, a change one, nonetheless.

It is a good thing to hope for this, or to hope period. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

Reverence

The Jesus & Mary Chain - New Music - More Music Videos

Unapologetically loud and supposedly banned from Britain's Top of the Pops for being too blasphemous. The Jesus and Mary Chain is without a doubt among my favorite bands, a part of an era where alternative rock was, well, alternative (and unfortunately I wasn't around to experience first hand). This is the opening track from what is arguably their best album (alongside the first, Psychocandy) Honey's Dead. Listen to this album, thats all I can say about it.

(Credit to SF at The Offside Rules for finding this first)

Fever Pitch

This is going to be part book review, part memoir. Mostly, it is a comparison and relation of myself to the author.

Tonight, I finished reading Nick Hornsby's Fever Pitch, a book about his love affair with English soccer club Arsenal. Within the pages, he details how Arsenal controlled his life from 1968, his first game, to 1992, the date of publishing. The details I won't get into much, but my own relation will reveal many of them. All I can say is that if you know anybody with a seemingly unhealthy relationship to a sports team (i.e. me) you should read this book; you will better understand the thought process.

I fell for the Gamecocks in a much similar way that Hornsby was introduced to Arsenal. Throughout my early childhood, I had watched the Braves and Gamecocks, and was aware of other sports, but the concept of fanhood was foreign to me. This all changed, however, in 2000. I was an 11 year old, and my family started regularly attending games. Even then, it took a few years to take hold, but the seeds were sewn as I was there, cognitively aware of all that was taking place around me, and I was enthralled.

Fast forward a few years, and I am a young teenager who attends nearly every Gamecock home game (and a few away games if the family can manage it). It has become my obsession, my hobby, my time consumer.

Why, you may ask yourself if you're familiar with an obsessed fan of any kind, would somebody subject themselves financially and emotionally at this level to something they don't seem to enjoy?

Quite simply, to us, it isn't a hobby. It is, as Hornsby eloquently puts it, another form of real life. While it doesn't actually mirror our lives outside the stadium, it certainly seems to. Maybe its more that life outside mirrors that inside, who knows.

To me, it isn't something I do for fun, though there are certainly times when there is nothing better. Instead, it is a replacement for something else real, something that was missing from life before this came along, and is still gone after. The case is probably different with everyone; for me, it is a sense of comraderie and belonging. Through middle and high school, I never felt like I belonged. For those of you that grew up with me, you know I wasn't always there. For those of you that were very observant, you may have noticed that even when I showed up I wasn't entirely there. There was a part of me, emotionally and possibly even mentally, that was dormant much of the time.

However, when I was in Williams-Brice, I gained something that was lacking. I shared common goals, dreams, desires, and objectives with 80,000 others. Together, we worked towards a common end, battled adversity, and experienced the highest highs and lowest lows. I've had, and still have, good friends- but I'm either entirely oblivious to it or it actually is true- that there have never been individuals with whom I could share these experiences.

This is still true, in spite of the fact that I've matured greatly in the past few years, emotionally and socially. Part of me will always be that 15 year old that doesn't belong anywhere.

Its the same reason I'll drive to Charleston on a whim to claim a 2nd tier soccer team as my (nominally) local side, and cheer them on like I've loved them my whole life. Its the same reason I'll take a one day road trip to Nashville to see what is far from the best soccer. When I'm in a stadium, when I share my desires with 3,000, 30,000 or 80,000 people, I can truly belong. Sure, the tailgating is fun, and the emotional high of a win is great- but its why I come back after humiliating losses and poor play.

Welcome to the Blog

This is the Blog. Here, I shall share certain information, including but not limited to the following: Late night, insomnia-induced thoughts; ideals on philosophy; rants; contemplations on events or interests in my life; sports; people; politics; books; and lastly, creative endeavors such as music and writing.

Writing a blog is like speaking to nobody, and yet everyone can be an audience member. As somebody who has had considerable difficulties communicating throughout my life, I should find this a good way to say whats on my mind, being that I'm not actually speaking to anyone.

If it makes no sense, that is fine. This is a look into my thought processes, and sometimes they will seem at least a little incoherent.

For now, enjoy the journey, because it isn't about the destination.